


Cake Sword

by dinosaursmate



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Fake/Pretend Relationship, I mean KIND OF?, It's Ziam's wedding, Larry are Ziam's best men, M/M, Masturbation, Pranking, Ziam are just a plot point essentially, but this is Larry lol, lighthearted joke about animals/people being put down, next to you, wedding au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 02:51:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9696449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinosaursmate/pseuds/dinosaursmate
Summary: “Nice speech, Harry,” Louis said, trying to keep his face neutral. “Went straight for the sex jokes, I see.”“As opposed to jokes about killing people?” Harry replied easily, a small smirk playing on his mouth as he held his hand out. Louis placed his own hand in Harry’s, shaking it, maybe squeezing a little too hard.“Excuse me,” Louis huffed. “I don’t need you to tell me I’m an idiot, I’m already completely aware.”-Harry and Louis' plan to prank Liam and Zayn on their wedding day backfires, big time.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Sus for kicking me into touch as usual!
> 
>  **Note:** For some reason, it seems to be a British tradition to do the first cut of the cake with a sword. So... don't be alarmed. Lol. Also... Emmi is to blame for yet another weird fic title from me.

“I’ll get a dance out of you later, if your lovely husband will let me.”

Karen laughed loudly and Louis grinned back at her with crinkled eyes. He loved Liam’s family. He loved Liam, in fact. He loved Liam so much that he actually nearly burst into tears when Liam was declared the husband of Louis’ very own best friend. He wouldn’t have let just  _ anyone _ marry his Zayn, after all.

He took another glass of champagne as everybody filed into the hall for a three-course lunch and speeches. As Zayn’s best man, he was placed at the head table to the left of the blushing groom, Zayn’s parents the other side of him. 

“Don’t call me the blushing groom again or you’ll leave with one less bollock than you walked in with,” Zayn mumbled as they sat down. 

Louis grinning, pleased. “Fewer,” he corrected.

Liam and Zayn’s fathers did a collaborative speech, which was very sweet and funny. Liam’s dad burst into tears, of course, and had to be comforted by his son. Louis was having a great time. That was, until it was his turn to speak. He had a rush of nervous energy as he stood to his feet.

He clutched the microphone with a sweaty palm and glanced around. Everybody at the head table was staring at him; to his left, Zayn’s parents looked up expectantly and to his right he saw the grooms, Liam’s parents at the end, and in between, the unfamiliar face of Liam’s best friend, Harry, whom Louis actually hadn’t met. Harry was up next. What if he overshadowed Louis’ speech?

“Um-”  _ Shit. _ Don’t say  _ um. _ “When Zayn first told me about Liam, I demanded to meet him immediately to start the vetting process. That is to say, if he wasn’t good enough for my Zayn, I’d be taking him immediately to the vet, to be put down.”

There was a murmur in the room, which wasn’t  _ laughter  _ exactly….

“Anyway…” He sighed inwardly. “Liam didn’t quite take to me at first. He was a bit serious and I think he found me… loud? And… abrasive?” he said in faux disbelief.

The people in the room who knew Louis laughed, audibly this time, and Louis breathed a sigh of relief.

“But I finally won him round with my famous charm, once he loosened up a bit-”

There was a quiet snickering from Louis’ right, and he looked down to see Liam’s friend, Harry giggling into his hand.

“-Then me and Liam became the  _ best of friends. _ ” Louis looked pointedly at Harry, who stopped giggling and glared up at him. “So when he asked my permission for Zayn’s hand in marriage-” small murmur of amusement, “I agreed happily.”

He picked up his glass of champagne, lifting it in the air.

“Here’s to the happy couple. United for life. Have you ever seen a better looking couple? The pair of them are beautiful inside and out and they’ll flourish under each other's light. Thank you.”

He was hoping for a little more than the polite smattering of applause he received but he supposed it was better than booing and food flinging, as per his nightmare last night. He sat down, passing the mic to Zayn who passed it over to Harry. 

“Hello!” Harry said cheerfully, throwing a quick smirk at Louis. “I’m Harry, thanks for coming. I’m the other best man… the  _ best _ man…” Another smirk. “I’ve known Liam for ten years now, and I’ve never seen him this happy. Their love is truly something of beauty, you know? Everyone in this room has witnessed it at one time or another - a birthday, Christmas, an emergency appendix removal-”

He looked fondly down at Liam as half the room laughed.

“The thing I love most about these two as a couple is how simple and pure their relationship is, you know?” Harry fake sighed and Louis rolled his eyes. “That’s what no sex before marriage will do for you!”

The room erupted in laughter once again, and indeed, Louis couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of Harry’s statement. The truth was, Liam and Zayn had met in a pub, had sex three times that night, and only met again a few weeks later in that same pub by chance.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding, because... really?” He laughed to himself. “Sorry, parents! Anyway, on behalf of these two sappy lads, I’d like to say thank you. And I know each and every one of you were invited because they love you and you’re valuable to them, so please join me in wishing them all the best in their marriage and in extending a heartfelt thank you to both sets of parents for raising such wonderful children, friends, brothers. Liam and Zayn are flying the nest as two wonderful individuals who will continue to be a wonderful team.”

Louis smiled politely, applauding as he looked around at the emotional guests, nodding profusely or dabbing their eyes. He scowled to himself.

“Great speech, man,” he heard Liam say quietly.

Both grooms stood to their feet, giving a short speech of thanks before the first course was brought out. Louis chatted easily through the dish with Zayn’s parents, popping to the loo before the main course came out.

When he returned, Liam was sitting in his seat, deep in conversation with Zayn’s mother. Louis stood awkwardly for a few seconds before Zayn patted Liam’s vacant chair.

“Just come and sit with me,” Zayn said. Louis sat down and Zayn wrapped his arm around Louis’ shoulders. “I’m married, mate! Can you believe it? Hey, look - I loved your speech, man, thank you.”

Louis scoffed as Zayn released him; he heard a small titter from his right. He turned to face Harry, who was nonchalantly reading the order of service, brows furrowed, no trace of amusement on his face.

“Nice speech, Harry,” Louis said, trying to keep his face neutral. “Went straight for the sex jokes, I see.”

“As opposed to jokes about killing people?” Harry replied easily, a small smirk playing on his mouth as he held his hand out. Louis placed his own hand in Harry’s, shaking it, maybe squeezing a little too hard. 

“Excuse me,” Louis huffed. “I don’t need  _ you _ to tell me I’m an idiot, I’m already completely aware.”

Wedding breakfast was served. Louis was absolutely famished; it was mid-afternoon and he’d not eaten since his rice krispies at eight that morning. A beautiful roast chicken dish was placed in front of Louis, and his mouth watered upon the sight. Zayn said he nearly came in his pants when he and Liam sampled this meal, and Zayn was never quite so passionate about food so Louis knew this was going to be delicious. With a quick glance over to Liam to check he wasn’t after his seat back, Louis tucked in. 

He’d never tell her, but this roast was even better than his mother’s. He wolfed it down, only semi-conscious about keeping his manners. He moaned and groaned his way through the meal, Harry tapping him on the shoulder as Louis swallowed his last mouthful.

“Do you have a sexual preference for chickens, or something?”

Louis looked at him, exaggeratedly indignant. “Is this meal not the most incredible thing you’ve ever tasted?”

“It’s wonderful,” Harry shrugged, sticking his fork into a whole potato and bringing it up to his mouth, his tongue sticking out to catch it. “I can make a better dinner though,” he finished, speaking with his mouth full. Louis stared, incredulous.

“That’s... quite a grand statement, Harry.”

“I know, but I really am fantastic,” he said with a slight wink.

Louis hummed a small laugh, shaking his head as Liam appeared and slapped them both on the shoulder.

“How are my boys getting on, then?” He said, eyes almost completely shut from such a broad smile. “No best man rivalry?”

“It’s kind of dissipated now.” Louis nodded. “But I suppose it might rear its ugly head at the bouquet toss.”

“Louis, there’s no bouquet-”

“Why not?”

“You know this, Lou-”

Louis turned to share a smirk with Harry.

“Well, I suppose we’re never gonna know who’s getting married next.”

“Maybe we should throw some stuff ourselves?” Harry said to Louis. “Just start chucking stuff about and see who catches it.”

“That’s a good way to get yourself killed,” Liam told Harry darkly before turning to return to his- or rather, Louis’- seat. 

“Unless Louis has me put down first,” Harry murmured.

Louis swatted Harry on the arm. “So, Liam’s  _ best _ friend, yeah?” he asked, sipping from his glass of wine. “How come I’ve never met you?”

“I work down in London, moved there not long after these two met. I don’t make it back up here very often.”

“Tut tut, Harry, an absent best friend. I’m docking points for that.”

Liam and Zayn left the head table, planning to make the rounds of their guests before cutting the cake. Louis leaned back in his chair.

“You’re really trying to convince me you’re the superior best friend?” Harry laughed smugly. “After  _ that  _ speech?”

“I really am gonna have you put down,” Louis laughed. He turned back to pick up his wine glass, glancing up and seeing both Zayn and Liam watching him intently. They darted their eyes away in comically synced timing and something dawned on Louis. He rolled his eyes closed. “Um- Harry?”

“Hm?”

“I think we’ve been had, mate.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let me guess,” Louis grinned, folding his arms. “You like men, and you’re single.”

Harry narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, how’d you know?”

“It’s a total set up, Harry,” Louis said, shaking his head incredulously. “They’re trying to get us together.”

“Me and you?!” Harry laughed in disbelief. “No fuckin’ way.”

“I know!” Louis scoffed. “That must be why Liam sat in my seat. It forced me to sit next to you. God, they think they’re  _ so _ clever.”

Harry rolled his eyes as Louis felt a naughty smirk spread across his own face. The cogs in his brain were turning and he grabbed Harry’s forearm.

“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we mess with them?!”

“Like how?” Harry asked suspiciously, glancing down at Louis’ hand.

“Won’t take much. If we just disappear every now and then together, it’ll drive them crazy. They’ll think they won.”

“It’s their wedding day, Louis, I-”

“Come on! It’ll be so much fun! I love a good bit of mischief. They’ll love it.”

-

The cutting of the cake was a small fiasco. Firstly, the venue seemed to have misplaced the cake, and when they eventually found it, Liam and Zayn had a quiet little tiff as Zayn seemed reluctant to trust Liam to hold the sword at all. Louis rolled his eyes as the couple finally both held the sword as they cut into the cake.

The newlyweds had their first dance, which was beautiful and intimate, and Louis actually found himself choking up. They went together so well, did Liam and Zayn. When friends and family moved onto the dance floor to join them, Louis snapped out of his daze and lightly touched Harry’s arm.

“I’m going outside for a ciggie. You wanna come?”

“I don’t smoke.”

“I mean to start executing the plan, silly.”

Harry grinned, shrugging. Louis waited until Liam glanced back at them, and promptly pulled Harry out the room. Once they got outside, giggling, Louis looked through the window and saw Liam saying something to Zayn, grin on his face.

“Sorted, mate,” Louis said, satisfied, leaning against the brick building and lighting a cigarette. “You don’t have to stand out here with me, if you don’t want to. I’d say we’ve made our point for now.”

“I don’t mind,” Harry said, leaning on the wall next to Louis and sighing. “I normally just sit on my own at these things while everybody else dances and stuff, anyway.”

Louis stilled his hand, cigarette halfway to his mouth and blinked at Harry for a second.

“Why?” he asked gently.

“Dunno.” He shrugged. “Weddings are awkward, no?”

“Suppose so. Especially if you’re single.”

“Which we’ve already established I am.” Harry sighed again, folding his arms and looking up to the sky. “I was working two jobs for a while down in London. Had no time for anything, let alone meeting anyone.”

“Relationships are overrated, anyway,” Louis mused, turning his head away from Harry and blowing smoke from his lungs. “We can’t all be love’s young dream like those two.”

“Mm,” Harry sighed.

“C’mon.” Louis stubbed his cigarette out. “I want cake.”

-

A couple of hours later, Liam and Zayn returned after taking some time out to relax and get changed. Louis was looking forward to the dinner buffet. He’d begun to feel a bit tipsy and had the vague thought of slowing down his drinking, although he knew, in reality, he had no intention of doing so. He vowed to himself to eat a lot of bread to soak up the alcohol.

“Tommo, you’ve been such a good friend to Zayn over the years,” his and Zayn’s friend, Niall said, slurring ever so slightly. He’d had even more to drink than Louis. “This wedding may never have happened if it weren’t for you.”

Louis rolled his eyes. A few months ago, Liam and Zayn had a heated argument about whose turn it was to wash the dog. They both insisted it was the other’s turn. It escalated ridiculously, the two becoming scathing to one another, and Liam had threatened to call off the wedding. Louis had shouted at the both of them to get their act together and he’d taken the dog away and washed her himself. It was typical of the couple to blow up over silly things, but it always worked out in the end.

“Don’t you think that’s an exaggeration? They wouldn’t have  _ actually _ called off the wedding.”

“Dunno, mate. He sounded serious to me.”

“ _ Please,” _ Louis scoffed. He turned his head away from Niall to roll his eyes again, when he saw Harry walking past. He grabbed hold of his arm. “Hey, do you two know each other?”

“Yeah!” Niall beamed. “Good to see you again, man.”

“Alright, so everyone’s met Harry apart from me?”

“You hadn’t met Harry until today?!”

“They kept us apart as long as they could,” Harry grinned. “Protecting me from Louis’ man-eating ways.”

“Excuse me?” Louis gasped exaggeratedly, hand delicately on his chest. “You’re not even my type.”

“I’m just joking,” Harry told Niall. “He’s been a perfect gentleman.”

“I doubt that,” Niall grinned. “Right, I’m gonna chat to the lads. Coming?”

Louis glanced at Harry. 

“We’ll be over in a bit,” Louis said, Niall nodding and walking off. He turned to Harry. “Let’s disappear again.”

“Louis, are you sure this- okay.” Louis grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the hall and into the corridor. 

“Believe me, this is gonna drive them crazy. In fact-”

He pulled his phone out and opened the camera, switching it to video.

“Lads!” he started, speaking into the front-facing camera. “Me and Harry here have decided to trick you into thinking your little matchmaking plan is working.”

He flipped to the rear camera and held it up to film Harry.

“I don’t think it’s enough,” Harry mused, ignoring the phone and looking at Louis. “We should dance together when we get back inside.”

“Good plan,” Louis nodded, starting to walk down the corridor, away from the hall. “Do you think they’ll actually fall for it?”

“Hm, on the one hand… I’d take a guess and say you’re a man for antics,” Harry grinned. “And they’re probably privy to that. Saying that…  _ I’m _ a good actor, so…”

Louis laughed, switching the camera off on his phone. “Think it’s been long enough?”

“I guess so.”

They returned, Louis satisfied by the strange look Niall gave them. 

“Harry…” Louis said, biting the inside of his cheek. “I hope my _ antics _ aren’t ruining this day for you or anything?”

“Oh, no! As I said, I get so awkward at weddings. I’m glad to have a project.”

“A project!” Louis laughed delightedly.

“It’s good to have a friend to stick with, you know.”

Louis felt a pang of affection for Harry, smiling at him reassuringly. He put on a show of nonchalance as he looked up to see Liam approaching them.

“Hiya!”

“Great wedding,” Louis smiled, winking.

“I’m so glad you two are getting on!” Liam beamed.

“Yeah, well, once that rivalry faded, this guy turned out to be quite good company,” Louis grinned.

“It’s been a beautiful day,” Harry told Liam, blinking far too often. “You two were made for each other.”

“Oh, Haz, come here,” Liam pulled Harry clumsily into a hug. “Thank you for being my best friend. Hey.” He pulled away and put his hands on Harry’s shoulders, looking into his eyes. “One day, you’ll meet your perfect guy.”

He looked pointedly at Harry, then at Louis, then back to Harry.

“And I can’t wait to be your best man,” he continued. “You’ll meet someone, I promise.”

Liam gave him a last slap on the shoulder before turning and walking away. Louis looked at Harry, who was glaring at the back of Liam’s head. 

“Arsehole,” he mumbled. “‘ _ You’ll meet someone’. _ Always easy for them to say it, innit?!” Harry sighed, turning to Louis. “What a patronising wanker. Come on, let’s do this.”

He grabbed Louis’ hand, dragging him out onto the dance floor. He pulled Louis close and started to dance, hands on Louis’ hips. 

“Alright, Harry!” Louis laughed. “He really got to you, didn’t he?”

“I mean, who says that? I didn’t say  _ anything _ about being single,” Harry scoffed, pulling Louis’ hips even closer. “I wanna teach him a lesson.”

Louis smirked, shrugging his shoulders and pulling his phone from his pocket.

“Liam,” he said into the camera, “you actually  _ really _ upset your mate Harry here. You upset him  _ so _ much, in fact, that he’s currently grinding on me. I’m being used.”

Harry beamed a cheesy grin at Louis’ phone, pressing his cheek against Louis’.

“I bet you two got so fuckin’ smug,” Harry smirked. “Thinking your little plan worked.” He kissed Louis on the cheek and they both laughed loudly.

Louis sighed as he slipped the phone back into his pocket, Harry grabbing his hips again and grinding onto him, biting his bottom lip and staring heatedly into Louis’ eyes. Something stirred inside of him.

“You  _ are _ a good actor.”

Harry smirked yet again, putting some space between them finally and they danced together for the next three songs before Louis needed a break.

“I’m going for a ciggie, I’ll be back in a few.”

He made his way outside, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag quickly. He was  _ absolutely not _ going to think about Harry in  _ that _ way; the way he got to thinking when Harry was grinding on him and looking deep into his soul with that dark mischief of his. He would  _ not _ let Liam and Zayn win, he’d-

“God, it’s hot in there.”

Louis’ head snapped up to look at Harry, who was walking over and undoing another button on his shirt, unintentionally flashing a nipple to Louis.

“You really don’t want to be alone in there, do you?”

Harry chewed on his bottom lip. He shook his head. 

“Um-” He sighed. “Look, to tell you the truth, my ex is here.”

“What?!” Louis asked, eyebrows raised. “Who?”

“Do you know Liam’s friend, Ryan?”

“ _ Ryan is your ex?!” _

“No, it’s his brother.”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve met him. I can’t believe they invited your ex!”

“We’re on okay terms it’s just-” Harry sighed, shrugging. “I hate that I’m still  _ so  _ single. So to be honest, I kind of have a secondary motive with this prank.”

Louis stubbed his cigarette out with determination. 

“Oh, God, then by all means, grind away. If this is as serious as making an ex jealous, you do whatever you want to me.”

“Oh, really?” Harry laughed, eyes flicking up and down Louis’ body. “I’ll keep that in mind. I mean, it’s not about making him jealous. I just don’t wanna look sad and lonely.”

“I’ve got you, don’t worry,” Louis nodded. “This is serious now. Let’s go.”

-

“Why don’t you go and get us a drink?” Louis told Harry when one song ended and mixed into the next song. “Would be a nice touch.”

“Oh, yeah yeah,” Harry laughed, rolling his eyes. “Alright, what do you want?”

When Harry returned with beers in hand, Louis was chatting to Zayn, and Harry gave Louis a discreet smirk. Zayn looked pleased at the sight; he winked at Louis briefly before making himself scarce, and Louis was pleased to see him trot straight off to Liam.

“Excellent.” He grinned, taking his pint from Harry. “Cheers, babe.”

“So…” Harry sighed, taking a tentative sip of his own beer. “You reckon we should kiss, at some point? Or is that too far?”

Louis ignored the jolt in his chest. “Not at all. If you think it’s a good idea, then it’s no problem for me.”

Harry beamed at him, a foamy moustache on his upper lip from the beer. Louis smiled, stepping close to him.

“Come here, you.”

Louis reached out, pressing his finger flat on Harry’s top lip and dragging the foam off, keeping eye contact as he sucked his finger into his mouth to clean it off. Harry’s throat bobbed as he swallowed thickly.

_ Fuck. _ This was… becoming something else, on top of the multi-layered prank it already was. Harry’s mouth fell agape for a second before he schooled his expression, smiling.

“Thanks.”

“You wanna sit down?”

They sat at a table, abandoned by its occupants. Louis scraped his chair closer to Harry’s, checking - as an afterthought - that they were just about in line of sight for either of the grooms. 

“So,  _ Harry,” _ Louis sighed, running his fingertips over Harry’s forearm. He licked his lips, relishing in the fact he could be bolder than usual with his flirting (to keep up pretences, of course). It was really, really enjoyable. “What do you do down there in the big smoke?”

“I work the ticket office at London Bridge train station.” He sighed, rolling his eyes. “It’s crap, and I’m probably gonna be replaced by robots soon.”

“Aw, I’m sorry.”

“I was also doing bar work in the evenings for a bit. I have a degree in forensic science but it’s just so difficult to find a job.”

“Don’t you just feel like your degree is worthless?” Louis chuckled dryly. “All that time and money, I mean, was it a waste?”

“But University gives us life experience!” Harry grinned widely, rolling his eyes and sighing.

Louis laughed lightly, slipping his forefinger into Harry’s hand which was laying on the table in a loose fist. 

“So, forensic science?!”

Harry nodded, smiling as he rolled his eyes again. “Yup. I mean, I can help you hide a dead body and not get caught, but I can’t afford to help pay for you to flee the country.”

“Well, no dead bodies here. Some skeletons, maybe…”

Harry snorted, taking a swig of his beer. “Who doesn’t have a few skeletons?”

Louis shrugged, conceding. “I suppose.” He grinned.

Harry put his beer down, ruffling his hair and flicking it back. His curls bounced and settled on his shoulders and Louis had the urge to reach out and touch, and,  _ oh yeah, _ he probably could.

He craned his neck around, pretending to look for Zayn and Liam. He had no idea where they were, but regardless, he turned back to Harry and reached out his hand, delicately fingering Harry’s shiny curls on his right shoulder.

“You’ve got such gorgeous hair.”

“Oh,” Harry laughed coyly. “Thanks.”

It was then that Louis actually did spot Zayn, walking back from the toilets and headed in their direction. He shifted his chair even closer to Harry, slipping his hand around the back of his neck. Harry’s eyes widened as Louis moved in, his eyes fluttering closed prettily.

“Honestly?” Louis whispered, his mouth so close to Harry’s that their lips brushed as he spoke. “If I had to pretend to get off with someone, I’m glad it’s someone as fit as you.”

Harry inhaled sharply and parted his lips as if he was going to speak, but Louis pressed their lips together and Harry responded eagerly. Louis pulled away fairly quickly, remembering his reluctance to give his meddling friends what they wanted.

“Erm…” he said, laughing slightly as he shook his head to clear his mind. He looked over his shoulder to see Zayn staring over at them, slack-mouthed. “This might be a good time for us to get out of here for a bit.”

“Um- yeah, okay.”

Louis stood up, grabbing Harry by the hand and pulling him out of the hall and into the corridor. Walking quickly, they rounded a corner at the end of the hall and Louis found himself starting to giggle. He leaned his back against the wall and Harry joined him, the both of them slowly descending into hysterics.

“Alright…” Harry breathed through his laughter. “What now?”

Louis held his ribs, starting to ache and he tried to take deep breaths to steady himself. He pushed off the wall, grabbing onto Harry by his shirt and pressing close to him. The truth was, Louis really wanted to kiss him again.  _ Focus, Louis _ .

“Hmm,” he sighed, relishing in Harry’s breath catching in his throat. “Next step…”

“What else  _ can _ we do?” Harry asked, pupils dilated. “Save dry humping atop the table.”

“That’s a great idea!”

“Obviously, I was joking,” Harry giggled.

“Well…” Louis laughed, stepping away from Harry and stilling when he heard distant voices. “Is that them?!”

They both listened, and sure enough, the voices of Liam and Zayn were floating down the corridor, growing louder.

“I think they’re coming this way,” Harry whispered.

Louis quickly pressed against Harry again, slipping an arm around his waist and promptly pressing their mouths together. Harry let out a delicate little noise and Louis pushed his hips firm against Harry’s. He heard Liam and Zayn come round the corner, abruptly stopping and falling silent.

Harry let out a small gasp, and Louis took the opportunity to slip his tongue in. Louis writhed as Harry’s hands gripped his hips, and Louis bobbed his head as they kissed, putting on as much of a show as he could. Somehow, a moan escaped his throat.

“Well, well, well!” Zayn said, his gleeful voice echoing down the corridor. Louis jerked away from Harry almost comically.

“Fuck!” He widened his eyes at Harry with a slight smirk. “Damn, we got caught.”

“Aw, sick,” Liam grinned at them, nudging his smirking husband.

“Excuse me, lads,” Louis said, nose in the air, grabbing Harry’s hand, and turning towards the newly-married couple. They were standing about ten feet away from Harry and Louis, habitually pressed together at the shoulder like they always were. The corner of Louis’ mouth twitched into a smile. They  _ were _ a very cute couple. “Can we have some privacy?”

Looking around, Louis spotted a door to their left marked  _ staff only. _ He grabbed the door handle, pushing the unlocked door inwards. He raised his eyebrows to Liam and Zayn before walking backwards, pulling Harry through the doorway and shutting the door after him.

“Louis,” Harry said quietly, a slight current of laughter running underneath his words. “I really think they’re gonna kill us for this.”

“Mm, yeah,” Louis laughed, still holding Harry’s hand. He pressed both their hands against his own thigh. “But it’s so worth it. Their faces…”

“Smug as fuck,” Harry sighed, leaning against the closed door. His hand slipped out of Louis’. “Where are we, anyway?”

The room was lit by just a dull emergency light. Louis found a light switch and flicked it on.

“Okay, great, so we’re in some kind of chemical storage cupboard.” Louis said, gazing around at all sorts of white bottles with yellow and black hazardous chemical warnings plastered all over.

“They’re just cleaning products, Louis,” Harry nudged him. “So we’re in a cleaner’s cupboard. So at this point, I think we’re supposed to have sex on a mop bucket, or something.”

“Hm, no,” Louis shook his head, chewing the inside of his cheek. “They both know me better than that.”

Harry snorted, folding his arms. “Boring.”

“Excuse me?” Louis scoffed. “It’s unhygienic!”

“How long are we gonna stay in here?” Harry asked, changing the subject. “You don’t really think they’re waiting outside, do you?”

“Fuck, I didn’t even think of that,” Louis said, voice lowered. “ _ Oh, Harry.” _ He suddenly cried out.

“God!” Harry scolded in a whisper. 

“Just in case!” Louis whispered back. He stepped towards Harry, grabbing his hips and pulling him an inch away from the door before slamming him back against it.

“ _ Ah!” _ Harry cried quietly. “What are you doing?”

He pulled Harry from the door again, slamming him back with a thud. Harry cried out, louder this time, and Louis winked.

“I mean, there’s no way of knowing whether they’re out there,” Louis whispered, slamming him again. Harry let out a long, loud noise that sounded suspiciously like a moan. Louis licked his lips. “After this, we should go back out and get really pissed.”

“Agreed,” Harry sighed, eyes closed. “So, does one of us need to come?”

Louis let out a surprised, choked laugh.

“Um- I suppose so,” he said, before smirking and throwing Harry against the door harder. “I’ll do it.”

Harry swallowed, nodding as Louis threw him back again with force. Louis cried out exaggeratedly in time with Harry, who bumped his head as he threw it back. 

“God, Harry!” Louis whined loudly. “ _ Fuck,  _ there, right there.”

“God,” Harry scoffed, eyes closed. 

“HARRY!” Louis threw his head back, letting out the loudest, most throaty moan he could manage, gripping onto Harry harder at the hips for emphasis.

“That oughta do it,” he said quietly, squeezing Harry’s hips one last time.

Harry’s mouth was slack, his eyes closed. Louis happened to glance down at his own hands as he released his grip, and-  _ fuck. _

Harry was hard. It was plain as day. What looked like a sizeable package was proudly tenting Harry’s well-fitted grey suit trousers and it made sense of Harry’s strained expression.

“Harry?” Louis said quietly in his ear.

“Mm?”

“Am I  _ that _ good at faking it?”

Harry opened his eyes and Louis looked down between their bodies pointedly.

“Oh, erm…” Harry laughed, somewhat shy but not really seeming embarrassed. “No, it was just you throwing me up against the door. That sort of thing just kind of, erm…”

A very tiny, choked moan escaped Louis’ throat before he could stop it. Harry met his eyes and all of Louis’ resolve just melted away. Fuck it.

He kissed Harry; a slow, sensual embrace which was  _ finally _ not for show. Harry exhaled heavily through his nose as Louis dragged his right hand up Harry’s body, over his waist, up his chest and slipped his fingers into the hair at the back of Harry’s head. He tugged gently, experimentally. Harry gasped, practically melting under his fingers.  _ Interesting. _

“Louis,” Harry gasped quietly. “What about… the boys, and…”

“They don’t need to know,” Louis whispered in his ear. “We pretend to get together, then we tell them it was a prank. It’s simple. They’ll never need to know anything actually  _ did _ happen.”

“Hm, a double bluff,” Harry said, his breath catching as Louis ran his hands down Harry’s chest, his fingertips grazing bare chest before unbuttoning the few buttons he still had fastened. “You’re evil.”

“Thank you,” Louis murmured, moving his mouth to Harry’s neck. His hands roamed Harry’s bare chest, having pushed aside his shirt and suit jacket. “You have a great body. For a scientist.”

Harry let out a choked laugh. “I sit down all day, I need to exercise.”

Louis looked downwards, pushing Harry’s shirt aside to eye his left nipple. It was red and puffy, and as he absently ghosted his thumb over it, a deep, gravelly moan came from Harry. Also interesting.

“Louis, you have-” Louis cut him off as he bit down on Harry’s lip, “gorgeous eyes.”

Louis moved his hands down to the fly of Harry’s trousers, slowly pulling it open and feeling Harry tremble as Louis’ fingers brushed his hard cock. Harry whined pathetically as Louis snaked his hand into his trousers, gasping a little with surprise as his fingers came into contact with his cock.

“No pants?” Louis asked. “Fuck, this thing’s a handful.”

“Mm, underwear restricts me,” Harry said, groaning as if in pain as Louis started to move his hand. The material of Harry’s trousers felt rough on the back of Louis’ sweaty, flushed hand as he moved quickly, Louis straining against his own trousers as Harry fully let his guard down, singing out the most delicious cries and moans.  _ Fuck, _ Harry was sexy. The noises spilling from him were obscene enough but Louis wanted more, far more, and he dipped his head down, swirling his tongue around Harry’s puffy nipple. 

“God,  _ God,  _ Louis.” Harry grabbed Louis’ head, pulling him closer to his chest and Louis bit gently on the nub, rolling in his teeth. “I’m close, I mean it, fuck…”

Louis stood back up straight, hand still in Harry’s trousers, but he just tightened his grip slightly, not moving. He met Harry’s eyes once again, and what he could only describe as a spark shot between them.  Harry twitched in his hand, and something snapped inside of Louis. He needed this cock, now.

“Erm…” Harry cleared his throat. His voice was deeper and rougher, and Louis’ cock gave a small twitch. “Reckon you could, um, try not to get come on my suit? It’s expensive.”

Louis pouted, unbuttoning Harry’s trousers finally and he pushed them to the ground, looking down for a second to watch them pool at Harry’s ankles. He looked back at Harry and dropped to his knees. 

“Can I  _ please  _ suck your cock?”

Harry looked down at him, avidly nodding his head. Louis smiled, sitting back on his heels and quickly pulling his own cock out, dragging his hand up and down a few times and sighing with relief. He moved forward, guiding Harry into his mouth with his free hand.

“Gonna come, Lou,” Harry slurred. “So quick…”

Louis pursed his lips, suckling at Harry’s tip and dancing the point of his wet tongue over his slit. Harry groaned tightly, sounding completely wrecked as Louis bobbed his head in earnest, making the most of the little time he had, hollowing his cheeks and then Harry called his name in warning before coming hard, jerking streams of come into Louis’ mouth. Louis groaned around Harry’s cock, swallowing as quickly as he could while his right hand darted over his own. When Harry finally slumped, panting in exhaustion, Louis pulled away, making sure not to spill a drop. He looked up as Harry looked down, opening his mouth as if to speak but then Louis was coming, croaking out a moan as he spilled onto his fist and trousers, hitting his shirt a bit and then resting his head on Harry’s hip.

“Somebody made a mess,” Harry said, scolding in jest.

“ _My_ suit isn’t expensive.” Louis sighed. “Just Primark.”

“You got your  _ Best Man _ suit at Primark? Awful.”

-

It was uncomfortable. He understood why Zayn was doing this, really he did, and it was fair enough. But he felt really uncomfortable.

_ “You upset him so much, he’s currently grinding on me.” _

Louis cringed at the sound of his own voice. His  _ mother _ was watching this, for God’s sake.

“I don’t want to turn this into one big  _ I told you so.”  _ Zayn said into the microphone, amusement lacing his voice. “But seriously, mate…”

The whole room was laughing and Louis flushed with embarrassment. He felt a reassuring squeeze to his hand.

“...Anyway, that’s when Louis learned to listen to me, and now he hangs off every word I say.”

Louis finally broke a grin, standing up and snatching the microphone from Zayn.

“As bloody if!” he scoffed. “I want everyone to know that the whole prank thing was just a very complex plan of mine to pull Harry.”

Harry, seated next to him, laughed delightedly. Louis sat down, weaving his hand into Harry’s under the table.

“Well, Louis’ blatant lies aside,” Zayn said, smiling fondly at Louis and throwing a knowing smirk at Liam, “I hope you’ll all join me in wishing these two a lifetime of happiness.”

“Really good  _ complex plan, _ ” Harry scoffed quietly.

“Shut up,” Louis grinned.

“Hey… Lou?” Harry whispered in his ear. Harry’s voice still gave Louis shivers, after all this time. “Can I give you a blow job?”

“Can you… _ wait?” _ Louis replied incredulously. “We’re literally in the middle of our wedding speeches.”

“I’ll just slip under the table, nobody will notice.”

“Harry!” Louis giggled, despite himself, swatting at Harry as he pretended to go under the table. “Look,  _ if you’re good, _ we might be able to find a cleaner’s cupboard later on.”

“Mm, nice,” Harry sighed. “But your suit better not be from fucking Primark.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this please [reblog this Tumblr post](https://catfishau.tumblr.com/post/171896734816/dinosaursmate-cake-sword-by-dinosaursmate)!!


End file.
